Hi.

A promise to myself.

I think some of these things need to be said. For no one else, but myself. For my sanity and the for the sake of my person.

I have only ever been in love once. Hell, I have only really been in a relationship once.

I am young, and I will make mistakes. That, is a given. It’s bound to happen. It doesn’t make it right, but it doesn’t knock me down a few levels as a decent human being either.

A lot of people ask me, WHAT DID YOU DO! HOW COULD YOU HAVE CHEATED. I didn’t say anything, because it’s personal but now  I have a feeling that people are misinterpreting everything and it’s been a while but since then the story has drastically changed.

What did I do? I tried to be friends.

I knew a guy that loved me. He has loved me for years now. Ever since high school. This entire time, all I did was ever be a friend to him and I guess it was mistaken for something else. Something a whole lot else. And when my exboyfriend left, and moved…. he took it as a cue and it was scary.

And it was my fault.. for trying to make my FRIENDSHIP with him last. I knew he had feelings for me and he always had, I was just sad to see a friend go, because you see he was a friend. He was a close friend. I just.. didn’t know what he was willing to go to for us to be together.

I don’t.. feel comfortable talking about everything that I’ve already said right now.. but I HAVE TO SAY IT.. I have to, because it’s my name on the line and I don’t want lies attached to it. I did not.. do anything with him.

I have never done anything with anyone with one exception. No one else. Ever. I don’t get into a relationship. It HAS to last.

In this way, my exboyfriend and I are alike. Except, he doesn’t get into relationships because he knows he can go so far without them. Which is fine, no strings attached, but I am not like that.

It’s funny how a guy can go and do that, but if a girl does shes a slut. I’m not saying all he does is sleep with people because he doesn’t. But there have been a few times when I know that he has, and it sort of breaks my heart.. and it shouldn’t, because he’s allowed to. I guess I just find it all more sacred than that. And it really broke me down that I lost that too. However, not as much as losing the one you love. ..

Who left me for… no reason. All because he thought he was trouble and we weren’t good together. Honestly, I think he’s just scared to trust anyone. And I guess its fair that he is, because I let him down in that department … just like everyone else hes ever known. …..

I didn’t tell my exboyfriend. That was it. I just didn’t tell him, because 1. Nothing had happened and 2. He .. would do something, and I just didn’t want him to get hurt. because 3. This boy, the one I thought I knew and thought was my good friend.. was all of a sudden some hellbent weirdo that I never could imagine I had known. And his friends, just as if not reckless and without morals.

I know it was wrong, it was so wrong not to tell him.. but I couldn’t. It all seems so stupid now, but it made sense at the time not to.. no one knows what to do when it’s time to make a decision. It’s too hard, with feelings and situations that give you nightmares.. It’s just hard. And I dont even have any prior relationship experience to fall back on. I would have never in my life imagined anyone would love me so much as to become so obsessed and violent. It just really gets to me that when you did find out all you said was “You should have told me. I know you can handle it, but you don’t have to do it completely alone. You could always tag me in when you need some help” And he was right. I could have.. but I let it go so far as to getting a punch literally thrown at me to understand that who I was dealing with was no longer a friend of mine much less a half a decent person. But it was too late, and you were too far..And you probably thought I got what I deserved.

No one but Danielle has any idea what they said to me, and put me through.. and I held them off as best as I could and I have. All by myself. And for that I am SO PROUD, of myself.. but at the same time I feel like I have had to COMPROMISE my own character, who I was. I’m not saying I’m the type of girl that cant fight her own battles. That is exactly who I am. However, in the process, I think I have lost that quiet part of me I loved. That beautiful soul, the one that loved the dreamier things in life, I feel like I wrapped it in bubble wrap and tossed it aside. I just didn’t want it to break more than it already had. I wanted to be hard and cold and mean. I wanted alcohol and dancing and just getting away to forget I was ever in love. I didn’t want to feel so weak around men anymore. And hurt and scared that they might do something. And all it did was make me wish he was here to hold me. So I could just let my guard down for  a little while and calm down, come off of the alcohol and be myself and still know that while he was there nothing would happen to me. But I don’t think he’ll ever come.. even though I’ve kept trying and  I still do. I can’t even get a tiny response out of him. Its like he doesnt even know me anymore and well how could he. I dont even know me anymore..

Now I realize, that person that I became to keep things together didn’t help ME. It might have helped situations at parties and events.. but it didn’t help myself and who I was. Because I shouldn’t have to change who I always have been to get rid of heartache. I think I shouldn’t because it’s cowardly. And I don’t want to be a coward. I think I took the easy way out, because I was scared.. but not anymore.

Even if it hurts, I’m going to do it. I’m going to stick to my roots and I’m going to start new. Like my favorite benjamin button quote always says

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

I am going to be myself, but I have learned one thing that is don’t be so nice because most men are disgusting. Almost ALL guys want something and will take ANYTHING as a sign if given the chance. And they will act upon it. And it wont matter to them, just you, should you let them take advantage of you when you’re at your worse.